he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
