Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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