I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he just fucked me for my cheese..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
