How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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