It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
