i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
