Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
