I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
