make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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