I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
