I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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