When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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