the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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