you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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