I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You can't just leave with hair like that
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
