i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
