why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
