your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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