im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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