You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
