I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
cat food counts as protein by the way
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
