I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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