you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
