I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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