We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We had to coat check the pizza.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
