I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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