talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
