I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
