There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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