Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
