Cold hands, warm shart.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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