So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
