and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
