He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
