I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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