Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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