We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
