I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
