I love black thongs
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
