You just made me feel so damn special
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
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He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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