Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
