Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.