I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.