so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
