so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
