i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
