I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
