My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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