Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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