Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
