she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The power of my boobs compel you
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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