why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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