Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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