So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
