im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
