Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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